Monday, January 3, 2011

...bitter roots grow brittle branches...

from the bottom of my heart, i could say that i am the happiest i have ever been. remember the little girls and boys that had broken homes? unfortunately it is more common than not. i had a broken home. and i have been sad about it for 20 years (since the divorce). my mom had remarried but my step father wasn't my real father, he just wasn't my dad so it wasn't the same. I wanted to have more of my "DaddyMan" in my life.

about 6 months ago, i started feeling really convicted that i have never forgiven my dad for anything at all. i knew that unforgivenes was a very bad thing and i knew God was wanting me to step forward and forgive my dad. it took me a while to get courage to email him to ask if we could start emailing. i was thrilled when i received his email that told me that he would be soo glad to, and that he loved me.

we continued emails for a few months, i told him that i needed answers. i needed to know why certain things happened, i needed to know why, why, why. he answered with tears, and humility. i felt bad making him hurt and go back through the pages of life that hurt me. but through his pain made clear through his words, i recognized that it was the love that i had longed for my whole life. i knew for certain my dad loved me more than his own life. pieces of these walls around my heart started to fall to the ground.

....on december 23rd, i received an email from him asking me for prayer, he told me that he isn't feeling good. i immediately called my boyfriend to ask him to pray as well. my boyfriend was hanging out with my brother and said that i should talk to my brother. my brother (joel) informed me that my dad has cancer and that tests will happen in the beginning of the new year to see how far its spread (we still dont know how far its gotten yet).

imagine the great wall of china. i probably had just as many stones built around my heart towards my dad. even though i had a few stones falling here and there as my dad and i were emailing....when joel told me that my dad has cancer....the walls went smashing down, the walls were gone and my heart was throbbing to hold my dad. i had no reservations about this bursting love because i didn't care about why things happened in the past, i didn't care that i still had more questions to ask. i had fully forgiven him for every single thing, i no longer held anything against him. I was healed from the pain and suffering that haunted me my whole life.
it was a miracle

the next morning i called him, first time i had heard his voice in 2.5 years. it felt so good to talk to him. just as it should feel as you talk to your father. we talked for a long time and i expressed to him how i had forgiven him. how i no longer hold anything against him and that i want him to be set free from guilt. little did i know how my life was going to change just by forgiving him.

i used to think

1) i am unlovable
2) i am easy to leave
3) i am not worth fighting for
4) i am incapable of fulfilling my dreams

the change

january 1st came, i had a friend ask me what my new years resolution was. i said 'be everything that i dream to be' i told her that i was ready to become everything that i had dreamed about.
and do you know what? i believed it as i said it. i didn't tell her that i wished it for myself. i believed it for my life. i believed that i was capable of fulfilling my dreams. where did this belief come from??

this whole month i have been so diligent, i have been so happy. i have realized that each of my complexes that i have listed above are completely gone. i have never believed i was lovable. i didn't even love myself or think that i could ever accomplish my dreams.

it was clear that it was since i forgave my dad. once i forgave him, once all of the walls in my heart fell down. once my bitterness and anger vanished.... i breathed in a new life.

i had no idea how much unforgivenes was rotting my soul. it placed boundaries around my life. Praise the Lord please....i am so thankful. Believe me, i take no credit for this. with the combination of my heart being at a certain place of vulnerability and Gods amazing grace, i have been healed. my biterness and anger has been FULLY replaced with
LOVE! this was a gift that God gave me, i am so thankful for the grace He allowed me to forgive.

i was in so much pain. i never grew, i had brittle branches. i was stuck in the past and it held me from the future that God desired for me. i have never felt more strong in my identity. never felt this much love, joy and peace. my life has changed because God gave me grace. again.