Monday, January 3, 2011

...bitter roots grow brittle branches...

from the bottom of my heart, i could say that i am the happiest i have ever been. remember the little girls and boys that had broken homes? unfortunately it is more common than not. i had a broken home. and i have been sad about it for 20 years (since the divorce). my mom had remarried but my step father wasn't my real father, he just wasn't my dad so it wasn't the same. I wanted to have more of my "DaddyMan" in my life.

about 6 months ago, i started feeling really convicted that i have never forgiven my dad for anything at all. i knew that unforgivenes was a very bad thing and i knew God was wanting me to step forward and forgive my dad. it took me a while to get courage to email him to ask if we could start emailing. i was thrilled when i received his email that told me that he would be soo glad to, and that he loved me.

we continued emails for a few months, i told him that i needed answers. i needed to know why certain things happened, i needed to know why, why, why. he answered with tears, and humility. i felt bad making him hurt and go back through the pages of life that hurt me. but through his pain made clear through his words, i recognized that it was the love that i had longed for my whole life. i knew for certain my dad loved me more than his own life. pieces of these walls around my heart started to fall to the ground.

....on december 23rd, i received an email from him asking me for prayer, he told me that he isn't feeling good. i immediately called my boyfriend to ask him to pray as well. my boyfriend was hanging out with my brother and said that i should talk to my brother. my brother (joel) informed me that my dad has cancer and that tests will happen in the beginning of the new year to see how far its spread (we still dont know how far its gotten yet).

imagine the great wall of china. i probably had just as many stones built around my heart towards my dad. even though i had a few stones falling here and there as my dad and i were emailing....when joel told me that my dad has cancer....the walls went smashing down, the walls were gone and my heart was throbbing to hold my dad. i had no reservations about this bursting love because i didn't care about why things happened in the past, i didn't care that i still had more questions to ask. i had fully forgiven him for every single thing, i no longer held anything against him. I was healed from the pain and suffering that haunted me my whole life.
it was a miracle

the next morning i called him, first time i had heard his voice in 2.5 years. it felt so good to talk to him. just as it should feel as you talk to your father. we talked for a long time and i expressed to him how i had forgiven him. how i no longer hold anything against him and that i want him to be set free from guilt. little did i know how my life was going to change just by forgiving him.

i used to think

1) i am unlovable
2) i am easy to leave
3) i am not worth fighting for
4) i am incapable of fulfilling my dreams

the change

january 1st came, i had a friend ask me what my new years resolution was. i said 'be everything that i dream to be' i told her that i was ready to become everything that i had dreamed about.
and do you know what? i believed it as i said it. i didn't tell her that i wished it for myself. i believed it for my life. i believed that i was capable of fulfilling my dreams. where did this belief come from??

this whole month i have been so diligent, i have been so happy. i have realized that each of my complexes that i have listed above are completely gone. i have never believed i was lovable. i didn't even love myself or think that i could ever accomplish my dreams.

it was clear that it was since i forgave my dad. once i forgave him, once all of the walls in my heart fell down. once my bitterness and anger vanished.... i breathed in a new life.

i had no idea how much unforgivenes was rotting my soul. it placed boundaries around my life. Praise the Lord please....i am so thankful. Believe me, i take no credit for this. with the combination of my heart being at a certain place of vulnerability and Gods amazing grace, i have been healed. my biterness and anger has been FULLY replaced with
LOVE! this was a gift that God gave me, i am so thankful for the grace He allowed me to forgive.

i was in so much pain. i never grew, i had brittle branches. i was stuck in the past and it held me from the future that God desired for me. i have never felt more strong in my identity. never felt this much love, joy and peace. my life has changed because God gave me grace. again.

Monday, December 13, 2010

my courageous tears

why does it have to be so real sometimes, and again i wake up and realize shes gone. last night i had some pretty vivid dreams about my sister. sometimes my dreams are nice but then bitter sweet when i wake up. other times when i am dreaming we are just striving to get to each other the whole dream but never succeed; waking up from those is just maddening. her lack in my life is pointed out daily. maybe someones name is Emily, they have her fingers, her eyes, or maybe they just have thick hair. i miss her every single day. when i am excited about something, i will still say to myself "oh i cant wait to tell Emily"...and then my thought is continued like this "oh, never mind. she is gone, dang it Kelly! stop doing that!" and then i try to quickly change the subject in my head so i don't start to dwell on it and cry about it. i want to be ok with this but I'm NOT. i want to get used to it, but i am NOT.

this one time i had a dream where she came home and she apologized that she had to go away for so long. she knew that we all thought she died, but that wouldn't bring her back. she insisted that she HAD to do it. for a while i couldn't trust that she was going to stay. i was so afraid that she was going to leave us again, but she never did. she was really home. i was so happy to have her back. needless to say waking up the next morning was extremely painful.

i went to a wedding this weekend. i was standing in the crowd proud of my newly wedded friend, listening carefully to the lovely toasts that were being made. it was time for her older sister to make the toast, that older sister stood at the microphone and looked at my friend sitting next to her groom. the 2 sisters' eye contact, their posture, their body language, everything. before any words were even said, the chemistry between them was beautiful. no matter how happy i am that my friend has this wonderful relationship with her older sister, it broke my heart. i don't know how i am going to last on my wedding day when Emily is not there to toast me.

not sure why i am blogging about this, its not like any of you are eager to hear about my pain and its not that i want your pity. i guess I'm posting this because i am trying to mourn, i am trying to be more open to my real feelings behind what happened 11 years ago. i ran so fast from feeling anything. i was terrified to allow myself to feel that severity of pain, so i completely shut the doors to it. i hate that since its been so long i feel a pressure to be accepting of this. i hate that this still hurts. i guess i never allowed it to hurt me until this year.

please never run from your emotions, they will catch you one day. i have learned that strength isn't shown in lack of tears, but through the courage in feeling all of your emotions and not letting it take your soul in the process. courage can take you places that can never be seen from a dry eye. don't we all want to be courageous?

Friday, December 10, 2010

i live on 'yellow brick'

hi everyone. i have been really wanting to write, but have just simply felt too sick. I've been feeling sick since Friday night/Saturday/Sunday-ish mostly Sunday. I went to the doctor on Wednesday, and apparently i have bronchitis. LAME. well, now i am on meds so, yaaay! i feel up to doing a post!

this past Sunday (though i felt like crud) i was working at the job that i cant seem to leave, 'Pony Espresso'. i was also dressed as an elf, because Santa was gonna be visiting that afternoon.

since i was unknowingly sick, i felt as opposite as a real elf should feel. i felt very un perky-fied. i shouldn't have been working and especially not serving food....well this day i served a significant amount of quiche. the smell of the quiche on the grill was mouth watering. as my nose was running, stuffing, dripping, and doing other things to me that i will spare you from hearing, i said to myself 'I am going to make quiche, and i am going to make it TONIGHT!' upon saying that, my mind was fixated on making quiche and since it being my first time, i was even more excited than my usual meal planning.
i was so thrilled with the quiche quest awaiting that i started mentally mapping out the route to Safeway from the Pony. i was planning ingredients, planning which pans and bowls to use, mentally preparing the veggies, beating eggs and placing it in the oven. i even imagined cleaning up while my 'perfect' quiche was cooling. you think im kidding? no, this is what goes on inside this OCD filled head of mine, obsessed with order and cleanliness.
so as the day progresses and i am still at work serving quiche and numerous other tasty treats, i start to feel a fever coming on. i refuse to believe that I am getting sick. i mean, its been 2 years since i had gotten sick and 5 years before that without getting any sort of sick! i am pretty proud of my mere bionic-ness, except for my high susceptibility to producing massive amounts of tumors on my nerves. so i just didn't think i was sick and thought a glass of water would cure me. oh little did i know...
anyways, time passes and i get off work and head to Safeway (good thing i had previously mapped out in my head the route i would take, otherwise i would have probably driven to Canada high on excitement to make quiche).

at Safeway i buy (keep in mind i am wearing that elf outfit)
1) spinach
2) egg
3) minced garlic
4) green bell pepper
5) medium cheddar cheese
6) tomato
7) thick cut bacon (pointer, always buy thick cut...never better)
8) avocado
9) 1 walla walla onion
10) heavy whipping cream
11) pie crust mix
i think that's everything.....
i arrive home having a full blown fever, hot, clammy, cold, body aching and everything. but i just don't care. i had planned on making quiche so i was going to make quiche. i start with chopping all of the veggies...though all the ingredients are not shown here, here is a starting pic.

fry up the bacon...
mix all of the 'innards' of the quiche into a medium size bowl. (by the way, i ended up putting over half of the chopped ingredients into the fridge)
this quiche probably ended up having: 1 tomato, 1/2 bell pepper, 3/4 cup shredded cheese, 1/4 chopped onion, 4 pieces of bacon, and a couple pinches of spinach...

4 eggs, beat em with a fork...

add 1 cup of heavy whipping cream, a few shakes of oregano and salt and about 1.5 table spoons of minced garlic...

i tried to make this quiche as home made as possible (and plus i couldn't find pre-made pie crust, unless it were 'Oreo' or 'graham cracker' and that just wasn't the taste i was going for) so here's my attempt at making pie crust. its pretty simple, you just buy that box shown in the first picture and add a few table spoons of water. you mix it till you can roll it into a ball, then use a rolling pin to flatten it and put it in your pie pan....i made pretty edges...

i first poured in the egg mixture, then tried to evenly distribute the veggies throughout. I had preheated the oven to 400 and my quiche was ready to be baked!!

after about 25 minutes this quiche was done!! the crust, was very very 'done'. the box told me to bake the crust before filling it, so i did. however, next time i don't think i will because we got rock hard black crust.

though i was ill. making this quiche was tremendously exhilarating. it sure turned my sour elf mood right side up.

i don't know what it is, but when i am in the kitchen i am sooo happy! i feel like i am in line to ride a roller coaster or something. i am filled with excitement and power. maybe a little like warrior woman... but more feminine. i feel like i am where i was made to be (or at least down that same road).

my mom thinks i am crazy for LOVING to cook and my boyfriend thinks i am crazy WHEN i am cooking. i am beginning to understand where my boyfriend is coming from... in line to ride a roller coaster right? well you know how sometimes when you get on that roller coaster how things can go wrong? disaster may be awaiting you? WELL, sometimes things go wrong when i am in the kitchen...

ie this time, when i was frying the bacon.....uh, it got a biiiiiiit smokey. and the fire alarm went off. i also managed to drop my 10 lb garbage can on my big toe sending me to the floor because of the amount of pain. i honestly saw stars.

and last week when i made chocolate chip pumpkin spice muffins with cream cheese frosting the oven caught on fire.

like i said, maybe down that same road....

speaking of roads, i have spent about 10 years (no joke) trying to think of the perfect road name. i have seen the most insane road names and i wonder why people name roads as they do! i mean who is in charge of this? it also makes me wonder if people in Hawaii have a road named 'Oregon' or 'Oregonian'. i mean, i doubt it.

so i finally got it! i figured out what i would name my road! i would name it 'Yellow Brick'! its perfect! if i could name a road, i completely would name it Yellow Brick.

well that's about as exciting as my week has been, other than the fact that my tissue box has been sleeping next to me for a week, cuz i think that's pretty neat.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

'even' is in the trash

a month ago i moved into an absolutely adorable studio. in this studio i have learned more about myself than i have in the last 12 months combined. i am thee most OCD person i know. i already knew i was a little weird about my handwriting being perfect and my sheets in bed having to lay perfectly unwrinkled underneath me, and the blankets on top had to weigh an even amount across my body before i could fall asleep...( i know, right?) well, now i am discovering it is a million times worse than just that. i cant fall asleep if there is still one pine needle that i knowingly didn't vacuum up. who am i kidding...i wont even climb into bed until ALL PINE NEEDLES are vacuumed, all dishes washed dried and put away, laundry dried and put away, decorative bed pillows placed perfectly 'even' on my "living room" chair/couches. and yes, i even corrected how the tissue was coming out of my tissue box! i wanted the tissue to stand straight up, and gravity was bringing that poor little tissue horizontal. i also will write and re-write my grocery or to-do list until my penmanship is perfect and 'even' on the note paper. everything that i do has to be "even". what is wrong with me? must i be so obsessed with evenness?

this longing for "even" has spread farther than my sheets farther than my tissue box and my kitchen counters. this longing has dived straight down into my core. i want everything inside of me, everything that i do, to be even and smooth. picture a lake with no ripples, no sudden change of rhythm or pattern. picture a road that is straight, no humps or hills, no dangerous corners. this is my dream, this is my safety. if i have no 'even' i cant even be calm.

i have all these things that i have passion for, and have even dabbled a little into them. it feels so good doing what i love, but i am too afraid to lose at something i love. i have not enough courage to chance myself for a loss like that. i don't want a sudden change, i don't want a curve in the road or change of surface i want even smooth easiness, so i never accept a change.

well here i am now, awake way past midnight still scrubbing the floors and ridiculously vacuuming the ladder to my attic and i am realizing the stink that 'even' has. i cant be so obsessed with even. nobodies life is even. in their home or in their lifestyle. i have been beating myself up with where i am in life right now and it is all because i didn't want a curve in the road or any unexpected change of pace or pattern. i didn't want to fail and didn't believe that i could handle the challenge. so i never tried.

i need to throw 'even' in the trash and move forward. if i come up on a curve in the road, i will be wearing my seat belt; if i come across some gnarly wakes on the lake...i have my life jacket on and i know how to swim. nothing should phase me. i have been through it. there is no safety in 'even'. and hey, who cares if i don't have a bachelors degree, i may not ever. a degree and a vertical tissue should not hold my happiness. i need to focus on what makes me happy and do it. one day i may even get paid for it.

Friday, September 17, 2010

dreded day

I couldn't fall asleep last night. my mind was racing, and time kept sticking its tongue out at me. tick tock tick tock. sooner or later, midnight would strike, and again it would be September 17th. I hate that date with a fiery passion. I pretend that it is easy to look on the bright side of the story, but deep down it fills me with anguish and battles that i never picked up a sword to fight against.
That date, dare i say it again is the day that my older sister died. here i am 11 years later and it feels just as rotten as the first year the date hit again. the pain of it is equivalent to abandonment. she was more than my sister. she was my leader, she was the one i went to for it all. not my mom, God knows not my dad. it was her. all the identity, confidence, sense of worth was from her. nobody could give me those things like she could.
11 years ago today, I had my life all lined up before me. even now, this time of day, she was still here. i remember so clearly, thank you Lord for your gift you gave me. as i was rushing down to the locker room to get ready for practice, i saw her walking into the parking lot with her friend Kylie. that very usual circumstance turned into one of the biggest most valued moments in my life, for as i walked through the doors of the locker room, a very audible voice said to me "if that is the last time you see your sister, will you be satisfied?" i almost ignored it, because i didn't know what it was and i was 45 minutes late to practice.... but then i felt a tug in my gut. i knew i couldn't ignore it. I ran back upstairs and watched her walk by the spirit rock swinging her water bottle in one hand and using the other to gesture whatever it was that she was talking about. i watched her until she disappeared into the parking lot, I soaked it all in trying to catch details. Then i ran back downstairs to the gym changed my clothes, went to practice. The whole time during practice...i tried to stay positive and not let myself think that i was actually never gonna see her again. I kept looking at my watch, stomping on fallen leaves, and singing "all the leaves are brown and the sky is grey"...I looked at my watch again 4:17........and then i really belted it out, i was soo afraid. "CALIFORNIA DREAMIN ON SUCH A WINTERS DAAAAAY"..... 4:20. I knew, i just didn't want to believe it. i tried to put it in the back of my mind and think positive.

We get back to the school from our run and her volleyball partner came up to me and said "WHERE is Emily?" and initially i thought she was being stupid and skipped practice, but then it crept into my mind again.....she's gone.
there was a football game that night so a few of us cross country gals went and got 'made up' with school spirit. I tried to ignore my gut feeling and decided that my sister WAS gonna be at the game....and everything was gonna be normal.
as i painted paw prints on my (now) best friend 'Noi's' arms all i kept thinking was 'tonight I'm finding out Emily is dead' though it sounded bogus because who thinks like that? i tried to keep it to myself.
we get to the game, Emily's 2 best friends we hugging each other and crying. I run up to them....'whats wrong? where is Emily?' they don't know. we decide to call my parents and tell them that we don't know where Emily was, and that she didn't show up to volleyball practice and now she isn't even at the game. We call, 'Hi mom, its me...Kelly. We don't know where Emily is' on the other end of the line, my mom says the 3 words that ring painfully in my ears 'we found her' . my heart drops like a thousand pounds. shes dead. i knew it. i had 1 ounce of faith that she was still alive. i gave the phone to her friend Emily or heather, i don't even remember i think the other one was holding me up. we were to meet my parents in the parking lot in 15 minutes.
we sat at the bleachers on the bottom row. and i laid in heathers lap. sobbing. i kept saying 'she's dead. she's dead. i know it, i know it.' nothing mattered to me at all, except needing to know the truth. i just couldn't handle the waiting 15 minutes to find out. 10 minutes later we walk to the parking lot. like walking to your killer, and begging him not to shoot you. we walked, and then we stood waiting for a pair of headlights to stop in front of us. ...tick tock tick tock.... finally, there they were....i knew that those headlights were the ones my family was in....and i was right. they stopped, my mom got out of the back seat, she stood and looked at us, Emily's 2 best friends of 10 years, and me....what could she say? how do you begin? all i needed was just the look on her face. and then, she just shook her head.
'NO, NO NO.....' i ran past my mom, Jim and brother which were now all outside this strange car and i jumped into the back seat...laid out across it all. and i screamed. my future life flashed before my eyes.....everything you know, everything that you expect. changed. i saw my future brides maids...all lined up. Emily, slowly faded out. i saw Christmas, sitting around the tree, Emily vanished. Emily vanished from all of my life. the rest of the night is a blur. they directed us into some office area, where we were later joined by most of the rest of the crowd watching the football game. both our cheerleaders and the opponents. principles, coaches, football players...everyone. i cried in the corner, Kelsey...God bless her never left my side. I couldn't handle hearing the word 'died' i still didn't even know how it happened. i didn't want to know. if someone started saying how, i told them to shut up. i couldn't know yet.
our pastor drove us to our grandparents house....we needed to tell them. oh i couldn't bare it....i ran to the bathroom immediately and put my fingers in my ears as hard as i could. but nothing, could keep me from hearing my grandparents whaling. i can still hear it.
we slept on there living room floor that night. when i woke up....i kept my eyes shut....
i told myself that when i open them that i was gonna be at home, in my bed. with my sister in her bed next to me.
open. no. green carpet that smells like grandmas dogs pee. deffinatly not home. i look in the kitchen and they are talking about her death. 'car accident' 'at 4:19...died instantly'... too much death. too much of that word, i ran into the back room, i let a few tears fall. i needed to be strong right?
lemme fast forward....3 months have gone by. i thought that i needed to be over it by then. i told myself that she was gone for a reason. i had only cried 1 more time since her funeral.
fast forward its 2 years later. i had only cried 2 more times or so. i thought that i needed to be happy with her death, since God allowed it to happen. I thought crying showed that you thought God made a mistake.
now it is 11 years later. i have finally reached a point where i am mourning her death. all in the past 8 months or so. i never wanted to talk about it or her. i resented her almost.
I wish i had seen a counselor. i wish that i would have mourned earlier.
I have researched what it is like to lose a sibling who is in the spot light. and i am comforted in knowing that there are others out there like me, who are going through the same thing now (ten years later) I feel like i now have a very rocky road ahead of me. letting myself grow up. changing how i feel like i cant grow because she isn't around to grow with me. to pick me up. to help me with decisions. to follow.
for a long time i have felt like i am trapped in my 14 year old body. like i have the same level of confidence as i did then. like i need help with my decisions like i did then. everything that she gave me where i lack in ability now.
i think i am ready. i pray almost everyday for God to help me with the complexes that this has created in me. I pray for strength, i pray for confidence. I think i am ready to grow even though Emily is not here to grow with me. i don't want to leave her behind me. i don't know how to take her with me.
Emily used to always wait at the finish line of my cross country meets or my track meets, and i was so comforted in getting to that finish line, no matter how painful it was to sprint to the end. because i knew once i got there, she was waiting for me, to catch me. I fell in her arms every time....then she walked with me on the grass of the field and told me how amazing i was. and now, the next time she catches me at the end of this journey... we will both be in heaven, and she will walk with me through fields of green, and tell me what an amazing job i did.

God taught me a very valuable lesson Sep-17-1999, 'never let a loved one walk away, but if they must go, turn and watch them until the disappear I'm so glad i did.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

here i go...

Alright, well... I decided that I actually need to get this blog up and running. And unlike most of my days, I actually have some time to do this with some brain power.
Ive been waiting for the perfect time in my life to start (the blog). You know, when things start to unfold. When I come around the corner and all I see is green grass and winding rivers, and maybe some fluffy emu's frolicking around....just waiting for me to pet them? Just straight up peace, and yes, I'd LOVE me a fluffy emu to pet. Right, these fields of green with emu's and rivers is never gonna be waiting around the corner for me. I think that is how a lot of my life goes. I am never satisfied with where I am in my life. I think that this could possibly be a bad thing. Never satisfied, never excepting. Ive heard it said before that you cant actually move forward until you except where you are at. And I totally believe that to be true. You cant fully move ahead unless you fully except, forgive and look forward. So here I go, excepting my life how it is, imperfect in most every way, and I will write anyway. Unashamed of how I dont have everything together, barely anything at all. And how I work to except, to love, and to challenge myself to being the 'me' that I was designed to be.
ps. Maybe I will still be ashamed....but I will still blog anyway.