Monday, December 13, 2010

my courageous tears

why does it have to be so real sometimes, and again i wake up and realize shes gone. last night i had some pretty vivid dreams about my sister. sometimes my dreams are nice but then bitter sweet when i wake up. other times when i am dreaming we are just striving to get to each other the whole dream but never succeed; waking up from those is just maddening. her lack in my life is pointed out daily. maybe someones name is Emily, they have her fingers, her eyes, or maybe they just have thick hair. i miss her every single day. when i am excited about something, i will still say to myself "oh i cant wait to tell Emily"...and then my thought is continued like this "oh, never mind. she is gone, dang it Kelly! stop doing that!" and then i try to quickly change the subject in my head so i don't start to dwell on it and cry about it. i want to be ok with this but I'm NOT. i want to get used to it, but i am NOT.

this one time i had a dream where she came home and she apologized that she had to go away for so long. she knew that we all thought she died, but that wouldn't bring her back. she insisted that she HAD to do it. for a while i couldn't trust that she was going to stay. i was so afraid that she was going to leave us again, but she never did. she was really home. i was so happy to have her back. needless to say waking up the next morning was extremely painful.

i went to a wedding this weekend. i was standing in the crowd proud of my newly wedded friend, listening carefully to the lovely toasts that were being made. it was time for her older sister to make the toast, that older sister stood at the microphone and looked at my friend sitting next to her groom. the 2 sisters' eye contact, their posture, their body language, everything. before any words were even said, the chemistry between them was beautiful. no matter how happy i am that my friend has this wonderful relationship with her older sister, it broke my heart. i don't know how i am going to last on my wedding day when Emily is not there to toast me.

not sure why i am blogging about this, its not like any of you are eager to hear about my pain and its not that i want your pity. i guess I'm posting this because i am trying to mourn, i am trying to be more open to my real feelings behind what happened 11 years ago. i ran so fast from feeling anything. i was terrified to allow myself to feel that severity of pain, so i completely shut the doors to it. i hate that since its been so long i feel a pressure to be accepting of this. i hate that this still hurts. i guess i never allowed it to hurt me until this year.

please never run from your emotions, they will catch you one day. i have learned that strength isn't shown in lack of tears, but through the courage in feeling all of your emotions and not letting it take your soul in the process. courage can take you places that can never be seen from a dry eye. don't we all want to be courageous?

Friday, December 10, 2010

i live on 'yellow brick'

hi everyone. i have been really wanting to write, but have just simply felt too sick. I've been feeling sick since Friday night/Saturday/Sunday-ish mostly Sunday. I went to the doctor on Wednesday, and apparently i have bronchitis. LAME. well, now i am on meds so, yaaay! i feel up to doing a post!

this past Sunday (though i felt like crud) i was working at the job that i cant seem to leave, 'Pony Espresso'. i was also dressed as an elf, because Santa was gonna be visiting that afternoon.

since i was unknowingly sick, i felt as opposite as a real elf should feel. i felt very un perky-fied. i shouldn't have been working and especially not serving food....well this day i served a significant amount of quiche. the smell of the quiche on the grill was mouth watering. as my nose was running, stuffing, dripping, and doing other things to me that i will spare you from hearing, i said to myself 'I am going to make quiche, and i am going to make it TONIGHT!' upon saying that, my mind was fixated on making quiche and since it being my first time, i was even more excited than my usual meal planning.
i was so thrilled with the quiche quest awaiting that i started mentally mapping out the route to Safeway from the Pony. i was planning ingredients, planning which pans and bowls to use, mentally preparing the veggies, beating eggs and placing it in the oven. i even imagined cleaning up while my 'perfect' quiche was cooling. you think im kidding? no, this is what goes on inside this OCD filled head of mine, obsessed with order and cleanliness.
so as the day progresses and i am still at work serving quiche and numerous other tasty treats, i start to feel a fever coming on. i refuse to believe that I am getting sick. i mean, its been 2 years since i had gotten sick and 5 years before that without getting any sort of sick! i am pretty proud of my mere bionic-ness, except for my high susceptibility to producing massive amounts of tumors on my nerves. so i just didn't think i was sick and thought a glass of water would cure me. oh little did i know...
anyways, time passes and i get off work and head to Safeway (good thing i had previously mapped out in my head the route i would take, otherwise i would have probably driven to Canada high on excitement to make quiche).

at Safeway i buy (keep in mind i am wearing that elf outfit)
1) spinach
2) egg
3) minced garlic
4) green bell pepper
5) medium cheddar cheese
6) tomato
7) thick cut bacon (pointer, always buy thick cut...never better)
8) avocado
9) 1 walla walla onion
10) heavy whipping cream
11) pie crust mix
i think that's everything.....
i arrive home having a full blown fever, hot, clammy, cold, body aching and everything. but i just don't care. i had planned on making quiche so i was going to make quiche. i start with chopping all of the veggies...though all the ingredients are not shown here, here is a starting pic.

fry up the bacon...
mix all of the 'innards' of the quiche into a medium size bowl. (by the way, i ended up putting over half of the chopped ingredients into the fridge)
this quiche probably ended up having: 1 tomato, 1/2 bell pepper, 3/4 cup shredded cheese, 1/4 chopped onion, 4 pieces of bacon, and a couple pinches of spinach...

4 eggs, beat em with a fork...

add 1 cup of heavy whipping cream, a few shakes of oregano and salt and about 1.5 table spoons of minced garlic...

i tried to make this quiche as home made as possible (and plus i couldn't find pre-made pie crust, unless it were 'Oreo' or 'graham cracker' and that just wasn't the taste i was going for) so here's my attempt at making pie crust. its pretty simple, you just buy that box shown in the first picture and add a few table spoons of water. you mix it till you can roll it into a ball, then use a rolling pin to flatten it and put it in your pie pan....i made pretty edges...

i first poured in the egg mixture, then tried to evenly distribute the veggies throughout. I had preheated the oven to 400 and my quiche was ready to be baked!!

after about 25 minutes this quiche was done!! the crust, was very very 'done'. the box told me to bake the crust before filling it, so i did. however, next time i don't think i will because we got rock hard black crust.

though i was ill. making this quiche was tremendously exhilarating. it sure turned my sour elf mood right side up.

i don't know what it is, but when i am in the kitchen i am sooo happy! i feel like i am in line to ride a roller coaster or something. i am filled with excitement and power. maybe a little like warrior woman... but more feminine. i feel like i am where i was made to be (or at least down that same road).

my mom thinks i am crazy for LOVING to cook and my boyfriend thinks i am crazy WHEN i am cooking. i am beginning to understand where my boyfriend is coming from... in line to ride a roller coaster right? well you know how sometimes when you get on that roller coaster how things can go wrong? disaster may be awaiting you? WELL, sometimes things go wrong when i am in the kitchen...

ie this time, when i was frying the bacon.....uh, it got a biiiiiiit smokey. and the fire alarm went off. i also managed to drop my 10 lb garbage can on my big toe sending me to the floor because of the amount of pain. i honestly saw stars.

and last week when i made chocolate chip pumpkin spice muffins with cream cheese frosting the oven caught on fire.

like i said, maybe down that same road....

speaking of roads, i have spent about 10 years (no joke) trying to think of the perfect road name. i have seen the most insane road names and i wonder why people name roads as they do! i mean who is in charge of this? it also makes me wonder if people in Hawaii have a road named 'Oregon' or 'Oregonian'. i mean, i doubt it.

so i finally got it! i figured out what i would name my road! i would name it 'Yellow Brick'! its perfect! if i could name a road, i completely would name it Yellow Brick.

well that's about as exciting as my week has been, other than the fact that my tissue box has been sleeping next to me for a week, cuz i think that's pretty neat.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

'even' is in the trash

a month ago i moved into an absolutely adorable studio. in this studio i have learned more about myself than i have in the last 12 months combined. i am thee most OCD person i know. i already knew i was a little weird about my handwriting being perfect and my sheets in bed having to lay perfectly unwrinkled underneath me, and the blankets on top had to weigh an even amount across my body before i could fall asleep...( i know, right?) well, now i am discovering it is a million times worse than just that. i cant fall asleep if there is still one pine needle that i knowingly didn't vacuum up. who am i kidding...i wont even climb into bed until ALL PINE NEEDLES are vacuumed, all dishes washed dried and put away, laundry dried and put away, decorative bed pillows placed perfectly 'even' on my "living room" chair/couches. and yes, i even corrected how the tissue was coming out of my tissue box! i wanted the tissue to stand straight up, and gravity was bringing that poor little tissue horizontal. i also will write and re-write my grocery or to-do list until my penmanship is perfect and 'even' on the note paper. everything that i do has to be "even". what is wrong with me? must i be so obsessed with evenness?

this longing for "even" has spread farther than my sheets farther than my tissue box and my kitchen counters. this longing has dived straight down into my core. i want everything inside of me, everything that i do, to be even and smooth. picture a lake with no ripples, no sudden change of rhythm or pattern. picture a road that is straight, no humps or hills, no dangerous corners. this is my dream, this is my safety. if i have no 'even' i cant even be calm.

i have all these things that i have passion for, and have even dabbled a little into them. it feels so good doing what i love, but i am too afraid to lose at something i love. i have not enough courage to chance myself for a loss like that. i don't want a sudden change, i don't want a curve in the road or change of surface i want even smooth easiness, so i never accept a change.

well here i am now, awake way past midnight still scrubbing the floors and ridiculously vacuuming the ladder to my attic and i am realizing the stink that 'even' has. i cant be so obsessed with even. nobodies life is even. in their home or in their lifestyle. i have been beating myself up with where i am in life right now and it is all because i didn't want a curve in the road or any unexpected change of pace or pattern. i didn't want to fail and didn't believe that i could handle the challenge. so i never tried.

i need to throw 'even' in the trash and move forward. if i come up on a curve in the road, i will be wearing my seat belt; if i come across some gnarly wakes on the lake...i have my life jacket on and i know how to swim. nothing should phase me. i have been through it. there is no safety in 'even'. and hey, who cares if i don't have a bachelors degree, i may not ever. a degree and a vertical tissue should not hold my happiness. i need to focus on what makes me happy and do it. one day i may even get paid for it.