Monday, December 13, 2010

my courageous tears

why does it have to be so real sometimes, and again i wake up and realize shes gone. last night i had some pretty vivid dreams about my sister. sometimes my dreams are nice but then bitter sweet when i wake up. other times when i am dreaming we are just striving to get to each other the whole dream but never succeed; waking up from those is just maddening. her lack in my life is pointed out daily. maybe someones name is Emily, they have her fingers, her eyes, or maybe they just have thick hair. i miss her every single day. when i am excited about something, i will still say to myself "oh i cant wait to tell Emily"...and then my thought is continued like this "oh, never mind. she is gone, dang it Kelly! stop doing that!" and then i try to quickly change the subject in my head so i don't start to dwell on it and cry about it. i want to be ok with this but I'm NOT. i want to get used to it, but i am NOT.

this one time i had a dream where she came home and she apologized that she had to go away for so long. she knew that we all thought she died, but that wouldn't bring her back. she insisted that she HAD to do it. for a while i couldn't trust that she was going to stay. i was so afraid that she was going to leave us again, but she never did. she was really home. i was so happy to have her back. needless to say waking up the next morning was extremely painful.

i went to a wedding this weekend. i was standing in the crowd proud of my newly wedded friend, listening carefully to the lovely toasts that were being made. it was time for her older sister to make the toast, that older sister stood at the microphone and looked at my friend sitting next to her groom. the 2 sisters' eye contact, their posture, their body language, everything. before any words were even said, the chemistry between them was beautiful. no matter how happy i am that my friend has this wonderful relationship with her older sister, it broke my heart. i don't know how i am going to last on my wedding day when Emily is not there to toast me.

not sure why i am blogging about this, its not like any of you are eager to hear about my pain and its not that i want your pity. i guess I'm posting this because i am trying to mourn, i am trying to be more open to my real feelings behind what happened 11 years ago. i ran so fast from feeling anything. i was terrified to allow myself to feel that severity of pain, so i completely shut the doors to it. i hate that since its been so long i feel a pressure to be accepting of this. i hate that this still hurts. i guess i never allowed it to hurt me until this year.

please never run from your emotions, they will catch you one day. i have learned that strength isn't shown in lack of tears, but through the courage in feeling all of your emotions and not letting it take your soul in the process. courage can take you places that can never be seen from a dry eye. don't we all want to be courageous?

1 comment:

  1. Kelly, this post is absolutely beautiful and so heartfelt.I am so proud of you for sharing you feelings. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to talk and write about. But you are SO right about what you wrote in your last paragraph. Strength is in having the courage to show your feelings and let yourself grieve. It is never too late to mourn and that is what you are doing right now. I love you so much my dear friend. I am sending you hugs..