a month ago i moved into an absolutely adorable studio. in this studio i have learned more about myself than i have in the last 12 months combined. i am thee most OCD person i know. i already knew i was a little weird about my handwriting being perfect and my sheets in bed having to lay perfectly unwrinkled underneath me, and the blankets on top had to weigh an even amount across my body before i could fall asleep...( i know, right?) well, now i am discovering it is a million times worse than just that. i cant fall asleep if there is still one pine needle that i knowingly didn't vacuum up. who am i kidding...i wont even climb into bed until ALL PINE NEEDLES are vacuumed, all dishes washed dried and put away, laundry dried and put away, decorative bed pillows placed perfectly 'even' on my "living room" chair/couches. and yes, i even corrected how the tissue was coming out of my tissue box! i wanted the tissue to stand straight up, and gravity was bringing that poor little tissue horizontal. i also will write and re-write my grocery or to-do list until my penmanship is perfect and 'even' on the note paper. everything that i do has to be "even". what is wrong with me? must i be so obsessed with evenness?
this longing for "even" has spread farther than my sheets farther than my tissue box and my kitchen counters. this longing has dived straight down into my core. i want everything inside of me, everything that i do, to be even and smooth. picture a lake with no ripples, no sudden change of rhythm or pattern. picture a road that is straight, no humps or hills, no dangerous corners. this is my dream, this is my safety. if i have no 'even' i cant even be calm.
i have all these things that i have passion for, and have even dabbled a little into them. it feels so good doing what i love, but i am too afraid to lose at something i love. i have not enough courage to chance myself for a loss like that. i don't want a sudden change, i don't want a curve in the road or change of surface i want even smooth easiness, so i never accept a change.
well here i am now, awake way past midnight still scrubbing the floors and ridiculously vacuuming the ladder to my attic and i am realizing the stink that 'even' has. i cant be so obsessed with even. nobodies life is even. in their home or in their lifestyle. i have been beating myself up with where i am in life right now and it is all because i didn't want a curve in the road or any unexpected change of pace or pattern. i didn't want to fail and didn't believe that i could handle the challenge. so i never tried.
i need to throw 'even' in the trash and move forward. if i come up on a curve in the road, i will be wearing my seat belt; if i come across some gnarly wakes on the lake...i have my life jacket on and i know how to swim. nothing should phase me. i have been through it. there is no safety in 'even'. and hey, who cares if i don't have a bachelors degree, i may not ever. a degree and a vertical tissue should not hold my happiness. i need to focus on what makes me happy and do it. one day i may even get paid for it.